So, Pix and I started talking. And then this happened in Google Docs, and I felt the need to share:
Kia: When Oreo woke me up in the middle of the night, I started thinking about Kahra. I blame you for this.
Pix’s Brain: Wait, what’s an ‘Oreo’?
Pix (to Brain): I don’t know. Lemme get more details.
Pix: Wait, what? Why is it my fault?
Kia: Well, you invented her, didn’t you? Your fault.
Pix’s Brain: Is she serious? You’re not responsible for her brain.
Pix: Hey, I take absolutely zero responsibility for your brain.
Kia: Well, SOMEBODY needs to take responsibility for my brain.
Kia’s Brain: Yeah, cause YOU suck at it.
Kia: What are you trying to do to me, Pix? Geez, man. I NEED MY REST.
Pix’s Brain: Now is not the time to make a wiseass remark about beauty sleep.
Pix (to Brain): Shut up. Chris is a lucky guy.
Kia: Don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking about beauty sleep.
Pix: Look, I take no responsibility for… what the hell is Oreo, anyway?
Kia’s Brain: …he’s never had an Oreo? What kind of weird people are you hanging out with, anyway?
Kia (to Brain): Idiot. He doesn’t know that I’m talking about my roommate’s cat. Don’t be a wiseass.
Kia: You’ve never had an Oreo? What kind of strange person are you, anyway?
Kia’s Brain: Oh, so I am the wiseass, huh?
Pix’s Brain: Apparently she doesn’t know what goes into that stuff.
Pix: Yeah, not really big on eating sugared lard.
Kia: But.. Oreos are AMAZING. Except the feline ones that wake you up at 3am and then you start thinking about other people’s newly-birthed mythologies. THOSE Oreos are a pain.
Kia’s Brain: Yeah, I hate those kind.
Kia (to Brain): You hush. This is all your fault anyway.
Kia’s Brain: I thought we determined it was Pix’s fault?
Kia (to Brain): It IS Pix’s fault.
Kia: It’s still your fault, anyway.
Pix: Oh, right. Oreo is the roomie’s cat. So, how exactly is it my fault that a feline 1500 miles away is waking you up at 3am?
Pix’s Brain: Yeah, seriously. We haven’t finished developing that level of telekinesis OR animal control.
Pix (to Brain): Shush. They already know we’re evil. They don’t know how far along with the plan we are.
Kia’s Brain: Pfft, by THAT reckoning, he’s probably not going to take responsibility for the huge thunderstorm we had that riled up the cat to begin with, either.
Kia (to Brain): I know, right? Man needs to learn to stand up. Geez.
Kia: So what, you’re saying the giant thunderstorm wasn’t your fault either? Good lord, don’t you ever take responsibility for ANYTHING? Yeesh.
Pix’s Brain: Storm? She’s in Texas, right? Holy crap, the device WORKED.
Pix: Um… no. The storm is *definitely* not my fault.
Kia: Fine. If you won’t take responsibility for the cat OR the storm, you cannot escape the fact that it’s your goddess, you invented her. Get her out of my head.
Kia’s Brain: I dunno, I kinda like having her here. She’s good company.
Kia (to Brain): It’s bad enough having YOU in my brain…
Kia’s Brain: … I am your brain…
Kia (to Brain): … without adding a deity that doesn’t really have a personality yet. I don’t think I can handle three-way arguments with nonexistent entities.
Kia’s Brain: I EXIST.
Kia (to Brain): Not on Mondays, you don’t. And I really wonder about Thursdays, too.
Pix’s Brain: Well, she can always just give it up.
Pix (to Brain): That’s a good point.
Pix: Well, you know, you could always just hand her over to Rachel. She won’t complain, and then you can stop thinking about her, and maybe it’ll keep her awake at night instead.
Kia: HELL TO THE NO. Kahra is MY goddess; I WANT HER.
Kia’s Brain: You tell ‘im.
Pix: Then stop complaining. Treasure your creative time with her.
Pix’s Brain: That’ll show her.
Pix: Besides, look at it this way. It was an opportunity in disguise. Though I notice that you didn’t get any of those creative juices on the wiki today. So, opportunity lost, I suppose.
Pix (to Brain): A point for us, I think.
Kia: Please. The night is young. And you didn’t answer the really important question that I had about her, anyway. So still, your fault. Give up the info, dude.
Kia’s Brain: Do you remember the question you wanted to ask him?
Kia (to Brain): No.
Kia’s Brain: I don’t either. Think he’ll ask?
Kia (to Brain): Almost certainly.
Kia’s Brain: So then what are you going to do?
Kia (to Brain): Same thing I HAVE been doing. Prevaricating, changing the subject, and redirecting guilt and blame.
Kia’s Brain: I don’t think it’s working.
Kia (to Brain): Please don’t point out the obvious; you know I hate that.
Pix: Actually, I did answer the really important question. Something tells me you forgot.
Pix’s Brain: She’s good at that.
Pix (to Brain): Eh, I don’t really blame her. We’ve been going over a lot of the game stuff in the last few days. The wiki has exploded, the forums are going nuts, they’ve been doing some serious offline RP, and she also condensed the 35 pages worth of game text. I guess on second thought, I should probably cut her a little break. The problem is, I don’t remember what she asked me, and I don’t remember what I told her.
Pix: But since you’ve been pretty diligent with keeping the group on track, ask your question again. I’ll answer.
Pix’s Brain: Nice redirect.
Pix (to Brain): Thanks.
Kia’s Brain: Crap! He’s on to us!
Kia (to Brain): Nope. He’s scrambling internally. I’ve got him on the ropes.
Kia’s Brain: How do you know?
Kia (to Brain): He gave me a legitimate compliment. He totally thinks I really asked him a question and he doesn’t remember what it was.
Kia’s Brain: But… you didn’t ask him anything!
Kia (to Brain): No, but he thinks I did.
Kia: You don’t remember me asking you about the secrets thing? You said you were going to send me a whole long explanation on that. IT KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT, PIX.
Kia’s Brain: You are DAMN good sometimes.
Kia (to Brain): Oh hell yes, I am.
Pix’s Brain: Okay, I know I’ve been overwhelmed, but she never asked about secrets. The last thing I told you to tell her was that you’d be finishing the document she was decoding as soon as you could, what with all the other stuff on the schedule, and that you’d try to have it done prior to the next game session, but couldn’t make a guarantee.
Pix (to Brain): So, what? Second redirect?
Pix’s Brain: It’s either that, or tears.
Pix (to Brain): Evil overlords don’t cry. Not happening.
Pix’s Brain: Better get on that redirect, then.
Pix: Well, what about me? I’ve been up late at night trying to come up with plot threads and story arcs for you guys because you, yes, YOU went completely nutso on that book you guys recovered and translated the first chapter before I could even finish it! Now I’ve got my hands full trying to run the forum and the wiki and come up with story and write out the backstory info you guys need, and I’m lucky if I’m getting any sleep at all!
Kia’s Brain: Ohhhh, he’s pulling out the guilt trip.
Kia (to Brain): Hmmm. The man’s good, I’ll give him that.
Kia’s Brain: So now what? Cry?
Kia (to Brain): It’s an option, but… no. I am not pretty when I cry.
Kia’s Brain: True. If you were an attractive crier, it would be a better idea.
Kia (to Brain): Soothe and simultaneous guilt upping?
Kia’s Brain: I dunno. That spirals out of control quickly. Before you know it, you’ll be responsible for the Holocaust.
Kia (to Brain): I think we can reliably lay that at Hitler’s feet, but point taken. Let’s not travel down the road of Godwin’s Law if we can help it.
Kia’s Brain: I’VE GOT IT.
Kia (to Brain): Oh yeah? What do we do now?
Kia’s Brain: BLAME CHRIS.
Kia (to Brain): I love this plan.
Kia: Yeah, I understand. You know, If Lazan had just kept his halfling mouth shut, we might never have gotten to this mess. That damn book is going to be the death of us all. Of course, that will be your fault, too.
Kia’s Brain: /buffs nails
Kia (to Brain): Well played. Well played, indeed.
Pix’s Brain: Oh, she thinks she’s got you there. What part of ‘evil’ does she NOT understand?
Pix (to Brain): I dunno. I’m starting to wonder if Chris really ever told her about me before introducing us. Maybe he wanted to see her reaction and get a laugh out of it. I dunno. It’s what I’d do.
Pix’s Brain: Well, yeah. Because you’re evil.
Pix (to Brain): I should tell her about my ex sometime.
Pix’s Brain: She might stop being friends with you.
Pix (to Brain): I’m not entirely sure we’re friends now. Besides, we don’t have friends. We have “potential minions.”
Pix’s Brain: Ah. Right.
Pix: Actually, Kia, as you recall, I told you that as the DM, my job is to help you all tell a great story. It’s not to kill you.
Kia’s Brain: I don’t like where he’s going with this.
Kia (to Brain): Yeah, when he plays cooperatively instead of antagonizingly, it’s a bit worrisome.
Kia’s Brain: …that isn’t a word.
Kia (to Brain): Antagonizingly? Sure it is. I just made it up. It works quite well.
Kia’s Brain: You can’t just make shit up out of nowhere, you know.
Kia (to Brain): THAT IS THE POINT OF DnD, YOU MORON.
Kia’s Brain: …
Kia’s Brain: You have a point.
Kia: Yeah, you’re right. You do a great job of that, by the way. I think we’re going to tell a great story.
Kia’s Brain: Ohhh, you sly minx! Diverting the subject away from the fact that neither of you have answered ANYTHING yet by use of clever compliments. I like it!
Kia (to Brain): I know, right? So easy.
Pix’s Brain: Here’s where the hammer drops, right?
Pix (to Brain): Yep.
Pix: Yeah, I think we will too. When you guys finally finish up the study on that phylactery and finish translating that book… should be a very interesting day.
Pix’s Brain: Finish that up with that evil grin you do so well.
Pix’s Brain: There ya go.
Kia’s Brain: We still haven’t gotten him to apologize for keeping us up all night though.
Kia (to Brain): Yeah, we may need to shelve that idea. I don’t know if it’s going to work.
Kia’s Brain: But… you HAVE to STOP wondering WHY he picked “Secrets” to make Kahra the goddess of if we do that.
Kia (to Brain): … that was really, really terrible grammar. Like, really REALLY terrible.
Kia’s Brain: You’re going to make up crap words like “antagonizingly” and then harass me about MY grammar? Please. Just. Stop. Thinking. About. The. Secrets. Thing.
Kia (to Brain): But… MEMORY. It would make so much more sense if she was the goddess of Music and MEMORY. There’s all this stuff that you can play off of with that!
Kia’s Brain: Then you have to ASK.
Kia: NO, DAMNIT. I will not admit defeat!
Kia’s Brain: You said that out loud.
Kia (to Brain): …
Kia (to Brai): Well, shit.
Pix’s Brain: I think she’s losing it, man.
Pix (to Brain): Yeah, probably the lack of sleep. She’s usually pretty composed.
Pix’s Brain: Stealth pun is stealth.
Pix: Look, you’ve had a rough night. I’m not going anywhere pretty much all day, so we can hash out whatever you need. What’s your issue with Kahra, anyway?
Kia’s Brain: What IS our issue with Kahra, again?
Kia (to Brain): We don’t have one, really. I think I can work with the secrets thing. I’m just not sure what the “Goddess of Secrets” does. Kill people who tell them? I dunno.
Kia’s Brain: So… what were we trying to accomplish here, then?
Kia (to Brain): What, messing with Pix wasn’t enough of a goal?
Kia’s Brain: Works for me if it works for you. So what do we do now?
Kia (to Brain): Make Rachel distract him so he forgets this conversation ever happened.
Kia’s Brain: Think that’s really going to happen?
Kia (to Brain): No. But that doesn’t mean Rachel shouldn’t be able to enjoy trying.