Kia’s Brain: Dude. It’s a door. It is a negative space in which one traverses in order to move from one defined area into another. THERE IS NO WAY TO FAIL AT THEM.
Kia: Oh yeah? Have you forgotten the whole BoT Fiasco already? Doors are HARD.
Kia’s Brain: Well okay, yeah, you screwed that one up…
Kia: ME?! You’re the one who’s supposed to be handling the spatial processing, buster!
Kia’s Brain: …but that doesn’t mean that we have a problem with doors!
Kia: It won’t get better until you admit that there is a problem.
Kia’s Brain: I do not have a problem. I can quit doors anytime I want to.
Kia: Yeah, cause that’ll work.
I am starting to feel like I might have a strong case against Blizzard on the grounds of discrimination against the spatially-deficient. I am really, really bad at finding doors, and I blame the game designers who go out of their way to put doors in inexplicably distant, obscure, and hard-to-reach locations, often hiding them behind a labyrinth populated by mobstacles galore.
Don’t believe me? Let me outline my key talking points:
Case #1: The Bastion of Twilight Fiasco
Because everyone in SiB is a nerdpoint addict, Jen has been running Tier 11 on Saturdays on – OMG – heroic mode. I know, right? Me, Kia, running hardmodes. I didn’t even kill Kel’Thuzad before I left for Burkina. And that was when ICC was at the 30% buff. My raiding history up until now has been… well, all but nonexistent.
And to think that as of last night, I have killed all of the end bosses of this expansion, and am working on some of them on hardmode. Amazing.
This is completely off the subject. I digress.
SO! Because I tend to get a little excited about raiding (HEY JEN IS IT RAID TIME YET IS IT IS IT IS IT???), I like trying to get to the raid location and go in the door rather than waiting for a summon. Which is fine in most cases, but because Tier 11 came out while I was still in Burkina, I had never been there before we started going for achievements about a month ago. I didn’t even know what zone it was in, although the Twilight thing should have been a clue. So I found it on my map, because I DID do Twilight Highlands (I AM a Loremaster of Cataclysm, tyvm) and headed off thataway until I found the giant spire sticking up from the middle of the zone.
Okay, the door is in the center, said a helpful commentator on WoWhead, or some other place. Great!
Obviously not there. Maybe this extra shiny bit higher up?
Not there either.
“KIA! You need to go higher,” says Es. “It’s way up there.”
Oh. Oh. Well, naturally I would put a door at the top of the tower where only brave and well-equipped adventurers ready for battle who have access to flying mounts would be able to get to it, rather than the poor and poorly-geared scrubs that I know I can decimate with a tiny fling of my well-sculpted arm. Sweet mercy. Doesn’t anyone read the Evil Overlord List? A little bit of professionalism, please.
Case #2: The Deadmines Deadweight
I had to go to Deadmines to curtsy for one of those Elder types last month. I spent, oh, easily a half an hour running through the dungeon-before-the-dungeon trying to find the bloody door. Fortunately, the mobstacles are something that Jake can swipe at as he runs past, provided that I remember to put him on Assist.
(As a side note, where did this Assist button come from? Back when I was growing up, we didn’t have any Assist buttons. You kept your pet on Passive, you macroed /petattack to Hunter’s Mark and you liked it. Rawr. /waves cane. Aside off.)
Dead end, but this one has a broken wagon-thing in it. That should could for bonus points.
The random wandering miners – or whatever they are – were not impressed with the grateful /cheering I did when I finally found the door, dirty, bedraggled, slugging my last bit of Skewered Eel, nearly dead from exhaustion and malnutrition, because those eels… yeah. Do you know what is in that water around Tol Barad? Seriously.
And now the most egregious:
Case #3: The Blackrock Mountain Meltdown
Okay. I know that Blackrock Mountain is one of the more important locations in WoW Lore and that all sorts of Important Things Happened there. And I admit that it has some gravitas as a location for a whole slew of instances that you can ravage, lurking menacingly there on the border of Searing Gorge and Burning Steppes. But ye gods. The Iron Dwarf or whomever who had the responsibility of designing the interior of this enormous mountain full of orcs and dwarves and whathaveyou had some serious lack of intelligent design skills. WHERE ARE ALL THE DOORS TO THESE PLACES?
Really? There lack of signage in this supposedly-upscale establishment is truly horrific. Although I do remember doing this before Cata when you couldn’t fly in the mountain, and you had to run up and down the chains, and it was AWFUL. In fact, you still have to do that if you die in there – for whatever reason, your body can fly but your ghost cannot. That is a serious oversight, imo.
So in what world would someone coming into BRM for an important and high-level meeting with Dagran Thaurissan look around this massive expanse and say, “Oh there! That tiny little door waaaaayy down there would definitely be the BEST way to get in to see the boss!”
Oh, except that just going through that door still doesn’t get you into Blackrock Depths.
Nope. Gotta cross half the damn mountain yet.
See? There it is! Down there! Don’t you see it? No? Huh.
Wow, there really IS a door there! It was so far away that I wore out two pairs of boots trying to get to it.
Now, I freely admit that Blizzard is only partially to blame for this door situation.
Kia’s Brain: Only partially? You’re the one who can’t find your way across your bedroom.
I am a tiny bit directionally-challenged. I realize this and have embraced it as one of my more endearing quirks. But seriously, when you’re dead and running Blackwing Descent and you rez to this, who WOULDN’T be confused as to which way to go?
At this point, I’m sure that most everyone is looking at me with jaded eyes and saying, “Look at your mini-map, you giant noob.” Well. I do that now. But the point is… hell. I know there was a point, but at this moment, I can’t remember what it was and I don’t really know if it was significant anyway.
There is one more argument I have to expose this conspiracy on Blizzard’s part to keep me from being able to go through doors.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my Kiril and clasp it lovingly to my bosom. But last night, as I began slowly picking my way through Loremaster by starting to quest in Northern Stranglethorn, I discovered this problem:
Yeah. When Kiril procs, I can’t get through doors.
Kia’s Brain: I’ve been warning you about laying off those donuts.
Kia: You suck so hard.