They are not for the faint of heart.
Holidays cause no end of grief and heartache and should be approached with no undue caution, lest explosive situations cause little chunks of family pieces to go flying out into the extreme nether regions of the world, never to be repaired. And that’s JUST talking about who will be making the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving this year. Don’t even get me started on where the Christmas Eve party will be held. Sweet mercy.
Kia‘s Brain: This is a World of Warcraft blog. Just a subtle reminder.
Kia: Oh, right. Sorry.
They are not for the faint of heart.
Holidays cause no end of nerdraging and QQing and should be approached with no undue caution, lest PvP situations cause little chunks of previously-adored alts to go flying out into the extreme nether regions of the Twisted Nether, never to be played again. And that’s JUST talking about the horrors of throwing food at each other. Don’t even get me started on the worst holiday achievement in the game. Sweet Elune.
Kia‘s Brain: Much better. Do continue.
Now, up to this point, I have been extremely MEH about the holiday events. I piddle about with them, usually. As Kia was just rolled in September, I’ve had a shot at about half of the year’s worth of holiday events. Four? About four? That sounds right. Let us examine my engagement in the holiday cheer up to this point:
- September: Brewfest! I did absolutely nothing for Brewfest. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. I’m not even sure I was aware that it was going on when it was going on. At the time, I was in total reverse-culture shock after coming back from Burkina, my best friend was getting married, and I spent two weeks on the Appalachian Trail. I believe that I get a pass on this one.
- October: Hallow‘s End! Slightly better here, if only because I couldn’t help it. I didn’t actually go Trick-or-Treating, but I have the Trick or Treat achievement, so I must have visited a candy bucket SOMEWHERE. I also killed the Headless Horseman A LOT (who didn’t?), but that was more in pursuit of his ring and his horse than the other stuff I got in the course of killing him repeatedly.
- November: Pilgrim‘s Bounty! Ahhh, now HERE I made an effort! A SMALL effort, but an effort nonetheless. I actually managed to do most of the holiday achievements, but then I got bored. I never bothered to go find that bird guy and kill him, nor did I get all gussied up and and go visit the tables of the dirty stinking Hordies.
I DID do one of the most fun things I’ve probably ever done in WoW during Pilgrim’s Bounty.
Because I love my guild (I really, really do) and also because I am not a complete altoholic like most of them (OMG Jen and Krista, you SERIOUSLY need to take something for that, I SWEAR), when Pilgrim’s Bounty rolled around, I had exactly zero alts and decided to make all of my guildies’ holiday questing easier. After all, the holidays are a time for sharing and caring, amirite? So, I took all nine of those empty character slots aaaannnd….
…I rolled baby rogues. One of each flavor. And I RAN THEM ALL TO STORMWIND.
YES. Every last one of them. EVEN THE BELF.
It was definitely a challenge doing it Horde-side. To begin with, I have never played Horde, so I didn’t even know where most of the Horde starting zones WERE. It was not as difficult as it sounds like it should have been at times, and was even harder than you would think at others. I remember being particularly annoyed when I was running in… I think it was the troll? I got ALL THE WAY to the tables at Stormwind, and then the stupid bloody Alliance players at the tables wouldn’t stop killing my TERRIFYING LEVEL THREE SELF long enough for me to even get logged off. Y’know, I try not to rage on and on about the stupidity of people who kill characters that are more than 10 levels below them, much less EIGHTY, but sometimes it’s really really hard not to.
So then I announced on our guild forums that I had all these rogues just WAITING to be turned into turkeys, and was met with many /cheers and offers of sexual favors. No, not really the latter. Still. Gratitude and all that. Ironically, that was one of the three Pilgrim’s Bounty achievements that I did NOT complete.
- December: Feast of Winter Veil! Absolute squat. I did complete jack for the Winter Veil stuff. Nothing. Nada. Partially because I find the Christmas holidays insanely busy and stressful and adding the extra burden of saving reindeer and killing a sympathetic character and shooting people with something that could put someone’s eye out is simply too much to handle. The other reason is because that’s just about the time that my old laptop blew up.
New year, new you, right! RIGHT? So I decided that THIS IS THE YEAR. This is the year that I am going to get that Purple Dragon and I am going to prove to everyone that I can take Long, Strange Trips JUST AS GOOD OR BETTER than anyone else! You would think that I would think that spending more than a year in West Africa would have proven that already, but NOOOO.
I will embrace the rallying cry of our guild: ALL THE NERDPOINTS!!
So, I have decided to plunge headfirst into the insanity that is holiday achievements. No, I do not know how I am going to manage [School of Hard Knocks] when I think PvP is a terrifying bed of insanity. I’m hoping that by the time I get there, I will have been able to worm my way into the affections of our guild’s PvPers, who will then take me comfortingly under their lovely combined wing and take care of me in those SCARY AS ALL HELL battlegrounds and stuff. Fortunately, I have some time before the orphans come begging. Right now, it is time for Lunar Festival!
I am grateful to Blizzard for starting off the year with, comparatively, the EASIEST holiday meta. Basically you’re just talking to a bunch of old people and setting off small explosions. I’m good with both of those. I have grandmothers, after all. And lighters, I have lighters. Erm. That is not to say that I have ever set my grandmother (either of them) on fire with a lighter. I haven’t. That would be disrespectful. Moving on.
So, here is Kia’s patent-pending step-by-step guide to showing respect to all of Azeroth’s Elders:
- Acquire a suitable drinking vessel in the 10-12 oz range. For this exercise, I particularly recommend the double Old-Fashioned.
- Sign into WoW on whatever toon suits your fancy at the moment. As the only toon I will ever be doing holiday achievements on is my main, Kialesse, that is the one that I picked. Feel free to repeat this process with as many toons as you feel necessary, you crazy altwhores.
- Add 4-6 large ice cubes to your drinking vessel.
- Pour Irish cream over ice to fill drinking vessel to within a comfortable half-inch from the lip. I would encourage more, but it’s a long road. No need to rush. Of course, Bailey’s is the most recognizable name, but hey, it’s just a brand. If you only want to pay half the price, I recommend Carolan’s, which I find to be equally tasty.
- Stir several times with coffee stirrers or the like to equalize the temperature.
- Begin flying around following this excellent guide from The OverAchiever on WoWInsider.
- Repeat steps 3-7 as needed.
Now, as this is a Very Boring occupation, especially if you are using flight points rather than steering your lazy ass yourself like I did, it is perhaps advantageous to you to plan for an interlude somewhere 3-4 glasses in to help ease the pain. As it was a Tuesday night, I chose the route of LFR with a few guildies. I did not actually PLAN this, mind, but they asked me to go and I agreed cheerfully (I was doing everything cheerfully by that point), provided that they were okay to haul along an slightly-inebriated hunter. They were, so I did. I learned the valuable lesson that raiding while intoxicated will only lead to one not doing very good DPS because one cannot remember where one’s buttons are or what they are supposed to do. I believe that I tried to bandage a tentacle at one point, but that could just be my imagination. Let this be a lesson to you, kids: Don’t drink and raid.
One last note: Don’t do what I did and forget that there are Elders in dungeons that are ALSO longing for your reverence. It’s especially exciting to attempt the vanilla dungeon Elders when one’s blood-alcohol level is elevated. I didn’t start playing until LAAAATE in BC (like four months before Wrath), so I never really learned the old dungeons, and the little bit that I DID do in them I entirely forgot on my year-and-a-half break from WoW. So I ended up wandering around Mauradon for, oh, probably an hour or so until I finally, FINALLY found poor lonely Splitrock the Elder hanging around in a pool of moonlight just waiting for some keen adventurer to come wandering by and bend a knee in hopes of a coin. It was sad, I say, sad… but then again, if you bloody Elders really are that excited to have people bow to you, then WHY THE HELL DO YOU PARK YOURSELVES IN SUCH STRANGE AND REMOTE LOCATIONS? Huh? For the love, one of you is squatting in a cave surrounded by undead on the very edge of Western Plaguelands! Who even GOES there? Sweet mercy.
Sadly, I am NOT yet done with the Lunar Festival meta yet. Stay tuned for Part 2 where I attempt to set off fireworks without setting my lovely blue hair on fire, and also go looking for more Elders in Northrend. I’m thinking this time I will use vodka instead.